| stands for henny LOL spent new years with my niggas at some warehouse party. Free drinks was worth it plus the enviroment was cool hella heads havnt seen for a minute showed up. texted some people i've not talked to in a while my only resolution is to quit smoking cigarettes and pass all my classes. Got shanked by a fucking table. what the helll SORA lol fuck. went to wes's house after wards and kicked it drank a lilttle bit more then drove to sevvy bought a red burito and macaroni salad drunkchies. Lets hope for the best this year one love |
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| Had a random dream last night, i was at some house and the girl my heart belongs to asked me do you love me why dont you come home, and then i cried.
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| self revelation why wear your heart on your sleeves when you can wear a mask. WAKE THE FUCK UP AND BE AS FAKE AS WATERMELON JOLLY RANCHERS. |
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| I hope you are well, and no longer suffering from the pain that's been tormenting you. Hope you found someone to finish your last request. Even though if feels like its unreal I'll still pray for you. |
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| All my life i've felt disconnected to society, its probably the way I was raised or maybe its a mental block I've given myself to suppress my pain. Either way i've always felt alone, and really, i've gotten used to it. A change of pace would be cool but I don't really feel a need for it. Being loved I've felt, loving something is something I don't know how to do. I've hurt almost everyone that has cared for me and a tiny fraction of my heart hurts because of that maybe 3%. its a little burn i feel whenever I think about it. If I was man enough i'd tell them I love them but i'm a fucking paradox. I follow my logic instead of my heart. I follow my impulse over logic. Simple case of ego super ego id i guess but in the wrong order. I'm slowly changing these priorities but 95% of the time I really don't give a fuck. The only way for me to actually empathize and miss someone is for me to think of them dying. Then i run through my head all the sadness i'd feel when they're gone. But if i don't i act like a snobby brat. I wish I learned with my heart instead of my guts. Blame it on my parents is what im doing. I know they just wanted me to be safe and not be in a gang or dragged into drugs but heh I guess this is the tradeoff. I spend too much time thinking of myself to think of others. yeaa thats probably it. Selfish self centered lilttle shit you are. Its cooo this is just another night I of me not being able to sleep. I'm hon'd out typing whatever comes to mind. I have no ambition besides that small 3% that wants to make my parents proud. 3% gets me by. Through class through school but I dont want anything. I just want to sleep. but times precious and so is my youth. but really if i'm already like this now i'm probably gonna end up being some alcoholic angry at the world if i make it that far. I've beaten myself in my own mindgame ive already given up on living and waiting for the end. I guess.
Oh shit and so I started watching dexter, one of the cooler tv shows i've watched. Alot of quotes in the show really appeal to me. One would be "when you lose control you lose everything" and another would be "In this world of predators the lion doesnt fear the jackal" So many metaphors its sexy. Hahah
I want to text this person and tell her I really miss you. but why dont i do it. The pain in my heart is like herion for a junkie, i'm addicted.
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